It's hard losing someone whose presence is larger than life. How do you even describe that? Up until sometime ago I felt like life was just.. existing. To live means to do your job, attend to your duties everyday, familial obligations. My Nani's presence was the first one that at a young age, made me feel seen. And like there was something to life outside just existing.
It's been five years, but it feels like fifteen. Some part of me is at peace, knowing she's at peace. But another part of me, is human and selfishly wishes she was here. Because grandparents fill a void that others cannot and once they're gone, the void feels more like a wound. Dealing with grief and death is complicated because it entails dealing with the concept that this amazing, wonderful person was part of your life but also that they cannot remain part of it forever. And here's hoping that somewhere, someday, our souls will meet again.
Reflecting on who I was when I lost her compared to now, I realize that she shows up in little ways everyday. I see her in me and I'm able to honor her in how I live my life.
When I close my eyes I see her giving me a coy smile when I was up to some mischief or made her laugh. I know that I don't have her here physically to see what the next stage of life looks like but I know that I'm good.
I am where I am and my life is set up the way it is because of the time I spent with her, the memories we made together and the love she gave me. I am who I am because of her and that's the best gift she could've left me.
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