Growing Grey Hair

When I found my first grey hair I was 13 years old, entering 7th grade and had no idea what I was in for. I thought this happened to everyone and with the help of my Mom, decided to “dye” my hair with mehendi or henna, foolishly thinking my whole head would turn a cool dark red color like the mehendi stain us Indian-Americans put on our hands for special occasions. To my dismay, those couple stout grey hairs were the only ones that turned dark red and weren’t even noticeable as they blended back into my sea of black hair. This went on for a couple years until I eventually graduated into a messy monthly routine of buying Garnier’s semi permanent hair dye and staining everything in my bathroom just to cover a measly handful of half grown silvers. During this time period, I never truly felt like myself. I wasn’t sure what it was and chalked it up to those awkward teenage years where nothing seems to fit quite right. When the COVID-19 pandemic hit in 2020 and everyone retreated back to a simpler version of life, I decided it was now or never. I stopped dyeing my hair in February of 2021 and decided to embrace my natural hair, however it looked.

2021 began a journey I could not have imagined taking at 24 years old, but in retrospect, I am so happy I did. It started with coyly letting my greys grow out, an inch at a time. I call this the awkward teenage phase of my greys, where they started peeking out but not enough to be noticed. They had no idea where they were going or should I say growing, but grew nonetheless. It was around this time I started getting unsolicited advice from close family and friends that I had the rest of my life to look “old” and “grey” and that I was making a mistake. This was one of the toughest parts of my going grey journey. How do you explain to loved ones who only want the best for you that 1) though you’re making an unconventional decision, it's one that you would not make without knowing that this is truly what you want and feel most comfortable doing. Two, I kept getting the comment that it would look “unprofessional.” The only thing that's unprofessional to me is the constant notion that in society, women have to hide every aspect of aging whether it be with hair dye, botox or plastic surgery to appear “desirable” or even human for that matter. To be clear, I began this journey because I did not feel like myself with jet black or brown dyed hair. Something about it just screamed out to me every time I looked at myself in the mirror. I felt odd and unlike myself. The second reason was a comical combination of laziness and budgeting. Why am I forking over 2 hours and $30 every 2 weeks to do something dictated by society, per society’s expectations?

This is what my growth looked like after a couple months:

It wasn’t always pretty, but I wore my greys happily with a smile on my face because I finally felt free from those expectations.

One silver lining of growing your greys out is - halloween costumes become immeasurably easier to put together. That first year, I decided to be Rogue from X-men for halloween, and I didn’t have to buy a wig or anything! For my last minute girlies, a year's worth of labor and love ended up making my costume that much easier so that was a nice perk. The next year I was Cruella de Vil, and the list of easy halloween costumes for grey-haired girls continued on. More about Rogue & X-men later though…

By the time I turned 25 in January 2022, my greys started to grow out mostly in the front, like the ever popular money pieces that girls spend hundreds of dollars dyeing into their hair (I have been guilty of this in the past, they looked fantastic, no ragrets). Throughout these years though, I never looked at myself and felt that I looked older or looked like I was in my 40s. I only felt this because of outside influence. Well-meaning extended family members looking at me with something in between disdain and disgust in their faces, crinkled noses and subsequently recommend specific oils or ayurvedic remedies to my Mom to slow the growth of grey hair. They would tell me “this is just not right” like I had actually committed a crime or done something ethically or morally wrong. “Why do you want to look old like an old lady?” Awkward questions get awkward answers. I didn’t know what to say. The other criticism I got was from randoms on the internet sending me messages or leaving comments calling me aunty, grandma, old lady. I eventually had to filter these words out of my comments and messages so I wouldn’t see them, though they kept coming. I didn’t really pay them that much attention because I was only 2-3 years into a lifelong journey. One I had chosen to take and one I was happy to take! I knew this was just the beginning and that I’d have to be stronger than that if I wanted to continue. Nevertheless, we persist!

One of the main reasons I chose to grow out my greys was because of one of my most favorite people in this world, my Nani (maternal grandmother). See, I started greying early because of a genetic predisposition to grey hair at a young age stemming from my Nani’s (Dayal’s) side of the family. My Nani had the gene, it skipped my mom’s generation and then came to me in the next generation. My Nani passed away in 2018 and while I wonder everyday what she would think seeing me grow my greys out in my 20s, this is just another thing that makes me feel closer to her. After she passed, I spent my next birthday rummaging through old photo albums and looking at old pictures of her. In many of the pictures, I saw her beautiful greys peeking out from under her jet black hair. One specific set of pictures stuck with me, when she was visiting my parents who were living in Dubai at the time. One thing to note about my Nani was the immense power and magic she had in just a glance of her eyes. In these specific pictures, I couldn’t help but notice that magical spark was just a bit brighter. In those pictures, I thought, she looked the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her look.

My third year of growing my greys out, I connected with a community of silver sisters online, consisting of women of all ages, across the globe who are resisting society’s expectations by growing their greys out. It’s been amazing to see and be a part of a network of women who are strong, fearless and live life on their own terms, just like my Nani and just like me! Society has a tendency to reduce women to just our physical appearance, our looks and nothing else. Growing out grey hair may seem like a minor thing to most, but to women everywhere it's a beautiful act of defiance and another step towards living life on our own terms, without caring what anyone thinks. I ignore comments like “you’ll look like you're forty in your twenties” because the idea of being “old” or “young” is a product of society. While aging itself is a biological process, what it means to be “young” or “old” is a social construct and one that isn’t too kind to folks who fall into the “old” category.

An unintended consequence of growing my greys out however, is much older men hitting on me. I haven’t really figured out how to circumvent this besides factoring into conversation that I am in my 20s and discreetly sliding any ring I’m wearing onto my ring finger and introducing my imaginary husband into conversation. Also, I should be financially compensated for the amount of men who bring up a comparison to Rogue/Storm from X-men. I guess every rose has its thorns.

Going into my 4th year, the petals of the rose that heavily outweigh the thorns are the following. Random women, younger and older, come up to me at weddings, functions, and even the grocery store blurting out things like “I love your hair!” or even better, “seeing your greys makes me want to grow mine out.” I've even had Moms tell me about their weekly battles with hair dye or that their daughters are growing their greys out and they don't know how to deal with it. It’s a blessing to be able to have these conversations and wear my greys so proudly because it shows other women who are afraid to take the first step, that they can do it too. All they need is a little bravery and courage to find their silver lining.

While grey hair may be wiry and a little more difficult to deal with, I’m excited to continue on the journey of growing my greys out and am even happier with the financial and mental peace that are unintended consequences of unapologetically being myself. I hope after reading this you find the strength to unapologetically be yourself too, however that looks.

Salt & Peppered

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